9 Finger Discounts are Cool!

When that Maclaren recall came out a couple of weeks ago, I, like the Good Mommy I am, went online and requested the fix kit. Today, I received a computer generated response from Maclaren in my SPAM box. As the letter is written in Corporate Response (i.e. The Corporate Response To Be Sent To The Idiot Consumer) I decided to translate it into Average American.


Corporate Response

Dear Anne,
Maclaren USA has led the headlines last month due to a safety concern with our strollers. We wanted to reach out to you to apologize for any added anxiety or stress that has resulted from this voluntary recall.
Maclaren had noticed an increase in the number of incidents over the last year where children had trapped their finger in the side hinge of the stroller during the opening or folding of it. This risk is eliminated when children are kept away from the stroller during opening and folding. Similarly, when the stroller is fully opened for use there is no risk involved. The hinge cover kit you requested provides the extra measure of protection to child-proof the stroller during opening and folding. We have a video demonstration of the cover installation on our website at http://recall.maclaren.us/faq.php.
We recognize the initial response to our recall was not adequate and regret any delays you may have encountered. We made the necessary adjustments in resources and bandwidth to resolve our responsiveness to what has been our first recall in over forty years of doing business. As parents ourselves, the events are of deep concern to us. There is simply nothing more important to Maclaren than the safety of a child.
Maclaren is proud of its impeccable safety record of zero incidents of stroller injuries in use. No other stroller manufacturer has a better safety record. During the last 10 years Maclaren has received reports of at least 15 incidences where a stroller was involved in a car accident and the child's life was saved because of the frame integrity of the Maclaren stroller.
As parents, we know firsthand why that commitment is the most important one for a company like ours. We hope that you will reach out to us with questions or comments at feedback@maclarenbaby.com.
Farzad Rastegar
Chief Executive Officer
Maclaren USA INC.

Average American

To the Consumer It May Concern,
The government finally got wind of the conspiracy and the bloodsucking reporters got involved. We are sorry that we got caught with our hands down our pants and our fingers in a hinge.

After receiving more than a dozen complaints that your Blessed Ones were having their fingers severed in our poorly constructed hinges on BOTH sides of our expensive ass strollers, the gub’ment forced us to do something about it. However, if you were decent parents, not the mo-rons you actually are, you would know to keep the tykes away from the stroller during the opening of it, not keeping them out of oncoming traffic. And, just in case you are too stupid to know how to work the zipper on our “fix kits” we’ve created a video for you. But, since all one million of our doting customers seem to be trying to watch it at the same time, the site may have crashed, we take no blame.

At first, we thought the complaint calls were coming from the minute portion of the Maclaren buying population who actually have children, not our average consumer, so we didn’t go public with what may or may not have been our fault, until the government noticed all the nine fingered children swarming the Oval Office. We increased our main websites bandwidth for a few days in response. As parents ourselves we know how important fingertips are. Come on, the tips have the nail. We all know that's the best part. However, in this economy, we can’t believe you are so concerned with having children who qualify for 10 fingered manicures. Don’t you fools know we are in a recession? Wouldn’t your money be better spent on safe childrens products and not beauty supplies? Wait. Maybe that’s not why you are so indignant. Oh, yeah! Fingers! And the lack of them. We digress.

But, we do have safe strollers. When the brake locks fail, and your Precious Ones go rolling out into the street, don’t our outstandingly designed stroller frames keep cars from squishing them? Don’t you Boogers-for-Brains know that it’s better to be without a finger than to become Pavement Pancakes? The things we have to explain simply dumbfound us.

We hope that you will reach out to us with any lingering questions or concerns you may have. In the event that our main website is down, our number has been disconnected, and our headquarters have burned down under mysterious circumstances, you will simply need to follow the rainbow to it’s end, pay the leprechaun, cross the bridge over the lava, then sing to the troll. He’ll put you on hold with our Customer Service Department until your toddler comes home with his own babies, and someone should be with you shortly after that.

Farzad Rastegar
Chief Executive Officer of Lucifer Himself

(I took the part about the fingertips being the best part because of the nail from the FRIENDS episode The One with All the Thanksgivings. I translated the rest of the letter out of my own annoyance.)

The Exorcism of A Teething Critter

I swear, if there isn't a tooth visible by tonight I'm calling an exorcism performing priest. There are only 2 possible causes of bad behavior like this, and they are teeth and demons.

Or maybe Critter is just a demon with teeth...

Just Give Me My Puke Pills!: Part Deux

After returning home and washing out the barf bucket, I got out my trusty (read: useless) insurance card and dialed their phone number.

Ring. Ring. Ring. Ring. Ring. Ring. Ring.

I should have taken the fact that the phone rang 7 times with no answer as a sign of what was to come.

Halfway through the 8th ring the line connected. "You've reached Screw You Blue Insurance. This is Lucifer." I should've taken the fact that Ole Luc didn't ask how he could help me as sign number 2.

"Yes, this is Mrs. Smith. I'm insured with y'all, and I'm having a problem getting a prescription filled." The desperation in my voice was palpable

This elicited an "Uh huh" from the Super Helpful Insurance Minion.

"So..." I hedged, wanting him to tell me what my next step should be.

"So?" He clearly didn't understand why I had a problem.

My mood swung and my inner witch came zooming out on her broomstick. "So!" I barked at him, all traces of pleading gone from my voice. I was a woman on A Mission. "So! I want to know what the problem is! The pharmacy said I need prior authorization from you, and I want you to give it to me!" I thought that the unspoken threat in my voice was perfectly clear. Lucifer, however, did not.

"Yeah," he drawled casually. I could hear the clicking of his solitare game in the background. "What's the medication?"

"Zofran." Good, we must be getting somewhere.

"Huh. Hold on." Before I could answer, I was listening to Muzak. Which I hate.

7 minutes and 51 seconds later, Lucifer was back. "Our policy is not to fill a prescription of more than 5 pills of Zofran without authorization from the prescribing doctor."

It was my turn to use his choice word. "Huh?"

"Ma'am, we don't fill prescriptions of that particular drug for more than 5 pills without authorization from the prescribing doctor" Click, click, click went the solitare game.

"Yes, I heard you, I don't understand what that means, though" I explained to the ghoul.

He let out a huge sigh. "Ma'am. Without your doctor's authorization, we will not pay for a prescription of more than 5 pills."

Clearly, he and I were great communicators. "What do I need to do then? Should I have my doctor call your office? Should I have her call the pharmacy?" I thought that by giving him more than one option I had a better chance at an agreeable outcome.

He sighed again and the clicking resumed. "Ma'am, you need your doctor to fax us a document stating that he or she has written you a prescription for Zofran and that he or she wants you to receive more than 5 pills." It was plain he thought my elevator wasn't running to the top floors. What my elevator wanted to do was floor him.

"Um, doesn't the fact that my doctor wrote the prescription for more than 5 pills show you that she wants me to have more than 5 pills?" I could not have sounded more irritated.

Neither could Lucifer. "Ma'am. Our policy is not to fill a prescription of more than 5 pills of Zofran without authorization from the prescribing doctor."

"Oh, good grief! I heard you the first THREE TIMES YOU SAID THAT!!" I was near the end of my rope and I wanted to tie what was left of it around this guy's neck. "Is there a particular form I need to have her send you or will her scribble on a piece of paper work?"

"Ummmmmm. Hold on." It took me about 5 minutes to realize that this time there was no Muzak. It took me another minute to realize that this was because he had hung up on me.

I burst into tears and threw the phone to the floor, scaring Critter, who also burst into tears. As I sat on the sofa rocking both of us I vowed to go out and buy an Insurance Demon voodoo doll and stab it with as many pins as I could get my swollen hands on.