Bouncing is what Tiggers do best!

Earlier tonight I was writing a post to a Mama's Group I am fortunate (and unfortunately) a part of. We are all mothers who were to have babies in May of 2008. We didn't have those babies, but now we have one another.

In the aftermath of writing a "woe is me" post in our group forum, about Moose still being hospitalized and Critter and Smudge being without me most of every day, I realized just how lucky I really am.

Though I struggled, and still do, with my initial loss, I gained so much. If it weren't for Oscar, I wouldn't have the support group I do now. I wouldn't have Critter, Smudge, or Moose. If everything in my life hadn't played out exactly how it did, I wouldn't have the life that I have right this moment. And my life at this moment is pretty flipping awesome.

I have babies born 13 months and 10 months apart. How many Mamas can say that?

I have a group of friends who know where I'm coming from. They validate me and challenge me and chat with me when my country is asleep.

As stressful as these last few weeks have been, I know me, and I know that one day I'm going to look back and wish I were here again.

I want to hold on to each second of every day. There is a chance that I'll never again be this burdened or this blessed.

A Friend Asked Me How Moose Was Doing...

My Response Changed Everything

(This is a copy of the message I sent back to her after she sent me a message asking of Moose's condition. While working through my response I had a moment of insight that will hopefully stay with me forever. )

At this point I have no idea how long Moose will be at the hospital. They can't send him home until someone discovers what's behind the episodes, but so far the doctors haven't done anything but make guesses. They keep sending in specialists to observe him and run tests and studies, but the tests are only showing that he's having episodes. They are pretty sure that it's not his heart, lungs, tummy, or swallowing reflex. The speech specialist told me today that she's recommending to his pediatric team that an ENT come look at him tomorrow.

The problem with him being in a teaching hospital is that there are SO MANY people working with him. Each one has a different theory and a different way they want things done. For example, the pediatric team wants him on oxygen while he's being tube fed every meal. The speech therapists want him hooked up to recording monitors with no oxygen while he's bottle fed. So each time he sees a specialist they do things their way but as soon as they leave the nurses return back to the pediatric team's orders.

While the speech therapist was in to see him today she had me feed him a bottle of high calorie formula mixed with rice (to make it thicker). I did everything exactly how she instructed while she stood behind me and watched, and he had several de-sats and turned a pale gray color once. So I'm perfectly happy with him being tube fed because I am d.o.n.e. with seeing him turn that color. DONE.

Unfortunately the family, who has taken turn taking days off to stay with the big boys, now have no time left. Starting tonight David and I are going to have to take turns sleeping at home with the big boys, then I'm going to have to be home with the big boys during the day while everyone is at work, and in the afternoons and evenings my mother-in-law will watch the big boys when she's done with school so that I can go to be with Moose.

My mom thinks I should put Critter and Smudge into daycare until Moose is home, but David doesn't want to. He has a point. Day care is expensive, and I can be home with them during the day since Moose has nurses, but it bothers me to think of Moose all alone in his room. What if he's fussy but the nurses don't hear him? Or his diapee is wet and no one notices?

This was a lot easier when he was in the NICU. First, we couldn't stay bedside since they didn't allow it, so I didn't feel guilty for not being there 24/7. All the babies were in one room in open cribs so as soon as they made a noise their nurse could hear them.

Second, when he was in the NICU, it was more of a "he's coming home soon" mentality because every day he was, for the most part, better than the day before. It felt like each day was bringing us closer to going home. And I just assumed that once he was home he would be fine.

Now I have a sick baby who I could be with, but can't because of childcare. The mentality now is "I have a sick baby who needs me but I can't always be there and who knows when he's coming home?" It's like we're stuck in a holding pattern with no clue as to an end date. Plus, I no longer feel secure in the hospital's decision that he's "ok" So even when they do finally send him home, that first sense of security is completely gone.

It's a lot more stressful this time around. In the NICU I felt safe that if he had any problems there were trained professionals right there and they would make him all better. After the episode, when that EMT told me all those huge men were terrified they were going to loose Moose, I realize that even with the best training and equipment, sometimes there just isn't anything anyone can do.

I keep praying and praying for Moose to grow up to be healthy, happy, and a Christian. Almost non stop. I say the same prayer when I wake up, brush my teeth, take a shower, eat, sit and stare at him... you get the point. And every once in a while I'll add for God to give me a sense of peace. And yet I'm always wound up, sad for Moose, sad for the big babies, and spend nearly every waking minute either in tears or close to it. Driving home I passed a homeless man on the street corner and just bawled about how his life must be and wondering how his life came to be that way and wondering where his Mama is and what happened to her... I'm a puddle of mess.

And yesterday I made the mistake of reading adoption blogs while I sat with Moose. All those stories from the birthmoms had me bawling bedside all day. I know his nurses must think I need to be transferred to the mental health wing.

Tonight is my first night home alone with the big boys in, I don't know, months? David is sleeping at the hospital with Moose since I've got to be here tomorrow while everyone else is at work. I haven't spent the night alone as the only adult in the house since February. And now not only am I the only adult, one of my little penguins isn't here with me. I feel lonely and sad and worried.

Boy, am I a bucket of cheer or what? But now once I've started, there is just so much pouring out of me. You're going to need a day and a half and a babysitter for the kids just to read through this PM.

Counting up the days Moose has been alive (40) and how many he's spent in the hospital (30) absolutely floored me. He's spent 75% of his life in a crib hooked up to monitors being poked and prodded. And with each day the percentage gets higher. Not to mention, I've spent 30 of 40 days separated from my baby. He's grown from a preemie size to a newborn size and I haven't been able to dress him in any of the cutey little tiny preemie outfits we were given. Which is silly, I know. He's growing, right? I should be nothing but thankful. And I am, believe me, I am. But I still feel like I'm missing out. I'm missing his day to day life. I'm not the one to decide when to feed him. I'm not allowed to dress him in the sweet little outfits I have for him. I'm not allowed to take him out and show him off (not that I'd have been doing a ton of that with a preemie ;) )I can't even walk him up and down the hospital hallways or snuggle him on the sofa because of the monitor leads.

I'm torn between feeling blessed and feeling... not slighted. Not unlucky. Not ungrateful. Well, maybe a little ungrateful. He's safe where he is. There are people all over the country (and world- Thanks Tori and Cristina! :) ) I'm grateful for all that. I just wish he were healthy. And, for the most part, he is. He's growing and gaining weight. His apnea episodes are worrying, but since the first, they haven't been too bad.

And, since I'm this far in to pouring out my heart, I may as well add that I'm feeling guilty as Hell, too. I taught Critter to say "Out Moose!" for crying out loud. I would say over and over how done I was with being preggo. I felt, in my heart, that I didn't care if he came early. I just didn't realize the problems associated with him being half baked. God gave me what I wanted. Turns out I shouldn't have asked for it.

Just like when I was preggo with Oscar. I kept thinking, "ugh, I'm so not ready to be pregnant. I wish I could just put Oscar in a jar and have him later, when I'm ready." Yup. I really thought that. And then I lost Oscar and realized what a curse getting what you want can be. You think I'd have learned my lesson, huh?

On the other hand, if I hadn't had Moose the minute, and I do mean minute, as his APGAR was barely a 1, I'd have lost him. It's good he came early. It's a miracle that that day fell into place the way it did. If any of the things that happened that day had not happened, or had been off by even a few minutes, Moose wouldn't have survived. And if I'd had Oscar, I wouldn't have Critter, and by extension Smudge or Moose. So maybe in the case of Oscar, getting what my heart desired wasn't a bad thing.

Ohhhh, so, maybe this thing with Moose won't be such a bad thing??? Or, something will happen to Moose and I'll go off the deep end. Is it just me, or does the anticipation for what will happen a real stress inducer?

I just have to keep reminding myself of the Bible verse "Who by worry can add a single hour to their life?"
Whoa. When I just checked to get the exact verse number for that I came across this verse:

Matthew 6:24 - Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.

Ok. Well. Maybe I wasn't replying to your PM just to let you know about Moose. Maybe I was meant to reply to your PM so that I could say what I've been to scared to say and to find that verse to help me when I'm feeling anxious.

I told you I'd been praying for peace :D

On that note, if you've read this far you've probably been reading for a while and Ainsley may have a dirty diapee and Caleb may be wanting a snack and Emily may be finally wanting to tell you about her day at school, so I'll sign off.

Thanks Becca!! Your reply to me not only cleared up my blog question, it also helped me not to go crazy :) I love Base Camp.

A Miracle Moose

We've had a rough couple of days. Last night our newest addition had an apnea episode that left him gray and unresponsive. Fortunately, I was at my in-laws. My FIL is calm under pressure and the neighbor is an ER nurse. These two things saved Moose's life, as I was a total wreck, unable to perform any task other than hopping up and down and screaming "He's dead!!! Moose is dead!"

15 minutes and 8 scared, large EMT men later, Moose was vomiting all his aspirated formula. 24 hours later Moose is safely nestled in the PICU and I'm a nervous fricking wreck.

Thank you large and scared EMT men. Because of you, my youngest son is alive and doing well. Thank you Lisa for running up the street and doing CPR until the large and scared EMT men stormed the house. Thank you FIL for taking Moose from me.

Thank you God for encouraging me to go to the in-laws house when all I wanted to do was go home, put the babies down, and nap myself.

Too Many Mouths To Feed

Since I have 3 babies under two, a husband who works 80+ hours a week, a dog, and a Beta fish, I had pretty much figured that, for the time being, I was DONE with adding new mouths to the family trough.

Turns out the fire ants had a different plan.

Sure, they started out innocently enough, only nibbling at our toes when we stood in the yard for more than .00009 seconds, but then the little biters moved onto our porch. At first I wasn't too concerned. I do have AMDRO; both the "hotels" and spray.

However, they were not to be deterred. The lure of Critter's PB&J crusts and Smudge's Cheerios was a siren song that brought them directly past the french doors and into the kitchen. From there they moved into Siesta's food bag, my pantry, and David's laundry that he swore he'd "put away in just a minute!"

I think the fact that his underwear was full of our new friends may help the laundry situation...

The CDC standards have nothing on Sir Smudge

Smudge should not be able to carry on a conversation for a while yet. However, he has already, at 3 months, learned how to. But, he can only do it a 3 am. At 3 pm he can giggle and smile, but in the middle of the night, he can explain the theory of relativity.

Sir Smudge in the Middle of the Night: "Whaa! Hmmmm, shchmmmuuuh?? Blech blah"

Mama: Huh???

Sir Smudge: "The speed of light in a vacuum is the same for all observers, regardless of their relative motion or of the motion of the source of the light."

Mama: Double "Huh???"

Sir Smudge: "Shakespeare's treatment of the female character is misogynistic!"

Mama: "I NEED SLEEP!"

Nudge Smudge: Rapid eye movement sleep, or REM sleep, accounts for 20%–25% of total sleep time in most human adults. The criteria for REM sleep include rapid eye movements as well as a rapid low-voltage EEG. Most memorable dreaming occurs in this stage.

Mama: "If you will leave me alone for long enough for REM to occur, I will buy you a pony."

A Reflection

I have 3 ornaments on our tree that symbolize love lost. For 3 Christmases I've stayed up way too late to look at the tree and think about what life really means.

The first Christmas I'd recently lost a baby and was unaware that I'd already conceived Critter.
The second Christmas I thought about how things happen for a reason.
The third Christmas, this one, I'm thinking again of love and loss.

To Courtney's parents: I still think of her and you. I can't even begin to imagine how hard your lives must be.

To Josh's family: There are no words.

To both families: Your children's friends still think of them daily. We haven't forgotten.

9 Finger Discounts are Cool!

When that Maclaren recall came out a couple of weeks ago, I, like the Good Mommy I am, went online and requested the fix kit. Today, I received a computer generated response from Maclaren in my SPAM box. As the letter is written in Corporate Response (i.e. The Corporate Response To Be Sent To The Idiot Consumer) I decided to translate it into Average American.


Corporate Response

Dear Anne,
Maclaren USA has led the headlines last month due to a safety concern with our strollers. We wanted to reach out to you to apologize for any added anxiety or stress that has resulted from this voluntary recall.
Maclaren had noticed an increase in the number of incidents over the last year where children had trapped their finger in the side hinge of the stroller during the opening or folding of it. This risk is eliminated when children are kept away from the stroller during opening and folding. Similarly, when the stroller is fully opened for use there is no risk involved. The hinge cover kit you requested provides the extra measure of protection to child-proof the stroller during opening and folding. We have a video demonstration of the cover installation on our website at http://recall.maclaren.us/faq.php.
We recognize the initial response to our recall was not adequate and regret any delays you may have encountered. We made the necessary adjustments in resources and bandwidth to resolve our responsiveness to what has been our first recall in over forty years of doing business. As parents ourselves, the events are of deep concern to us. There is simply nothing more important to Maclaren than the safety of a child.
Maclaren is proud of its impeccable safety record of zero incidents of stroller injuries in use. No other stroller manufacturer has a better safety record. During the last 10 years Maclaren has received reports of at least 15 incidences where a stroller was involved in a car accident and the child's life was saved because of the frame integrity of the Maclaren stroller.
As parents, we know firsthand why that commitment is the most important one for a company like ours. We hope that you will reach out to us with questions or comments at feedback@maclarenbaby.com.
Farzad Rastegar
Chief Executive Officer
Maclaren USA INC.

Average American

To the Consumer It May Concern,
The government finally got wind of the conspiracy and the bloodsucking reporters got involved. We are sorry that we got caught with our hands down our pants and our fingers in a hinge.

After receiving more than a dozen complaints that your Blessed Ones were having their fingers severed in our poorly constructed hinges on BOTH sides of our expensive ass strollers, the gub’ment forced us to do something about it. However, if you were decent parents, not the mo-rons you actually are, you would know to keep the tykes away from the stroller during the opening of it, not keeping them out of oncoming traffic. And, just in case you are too stupid to know how to work the zipper on our “fix kits” we’ve created a video for you. But, since all one million of our doting customers seem to be trying to watch it at the same time, the site may have crashed, we take no blame.

At first, we thought the complaint calls were coming from the minute portion of the Maclaren buying population who actually have children, not our average consumer, so we didn’t go public with what may or may not have been our fault, until the government noticed all the nine fingered children swarming the Oval Office. We increased our main websites bandwidth for a few days in response. As parents ourselves we know how important fingertips are. Come on, the tips have the nail. We all know that's the best part. However, in this economy, we can’t believe you are so concerned with having children who qualify for 10 fingered manicures. Don’t you fools know we are in a recession? Wouldn’t your money be better spent on safe childrens products and not beauty supplies? Wait. Maybe that’s not why you are so indignant. Oh, yeah! Fingers! And the lack of them. We digress.

But, we do have safe strollers. When the brake locks fail, and your Precious Ones go rolling out into the street, don’t our outstandingly designed stroller frames keep cars from squishing them? Don’t you Boogers-for-Brains know that it’s better to be without a finger than to become Pavement Pancakes? The things we have to explain simply dumbfound us.

We hope that you will reach out to us with any lingering questions or concerns you may have. In the event that our main website is down, our number has been disconnected, and our headquarters have burned down under mysterious circumstances, you will simply need to follow the rainbow to it’s end, pay the leprechaun, cross the bridge over the lava, then sing to the troll. He’ll put you on hold with our Customer Service Department until your toddler comes home with his own babies, and someone should be with you shortly after that.

Farzad Rastegar
Chief Executive Officer of Lucifer Himself

(I took the part about the fingertips being the best part because of the nail from the FRIENDS episode The One with All the Thanksgivings. I translated the rest of the letter out of my own annoyance.)