The Firemen

Some where, in this town, there are a group of heroes. In the fog of panic, I cannot remember their names.

On September 2, a completely hysterical Mama called 911. She yelped "My son is dying! Send SOMEONE! ANYONE!!"

A band of men later burst through the door and made a gray baby pink again.

Thank you, Big Burly Men.

I loved you then, I love you now, I'll love you always.

Mamas Don't Have It Easy!

Mornings? We don't do mornings.

The laws of Slothville:

1. Bed Time is BED TIME. Once Mama puts on your overnight diaper and jammies, brushes your teeth, puts you in bed, and sings you those ridiculous personalized Night Night songs, Mama is done. Capital D. Done.

2. No one old enough to call "Mama!! Moo Milk!" is young enough to have the request/demand answered during Sleepy Time. If I can go 8 hours without wine, you can go that long with no dairy products.

3. Any time before noon is an unholy hour, and Waffles won't be served. With or without peanut butter.

4. If it seems that the sun is high in the sky, but I come in your room and say "Not time for waking, time for more sleeping" it's in your best interests not to question me.

Isn't this boat big enough for all of us?

Noah's ark and the Stay at home Mom

What's the same? Noah had a BIG boat. It was full of tons of different animals. It was alone in a big old ocean.
There are LOTS of Mamas. There are lots of different types of Mamas. We are all trying to stay afloat.

So, why, why? can't we all just see that we are all in this big old ocean together and make the best of it? Why must some Mamas make other Mamas feel like crud?

Yeah, I get it. Your kids eat nothing but organic food and my kids survive on Hot Pockets. At least they all eat, right? (Well, sometimes.)

On the flip side, since we don't have a maid, my kids know how to clean up after themselves. Booyah.

I know that each Mama is different. Each Mama has the way they think is the way to be the best Mama. But just because another Mama co-sleeps and your kid does Cry It Out, does NOT make you, or her, better. It just makes you different.

So let's make a deal. Since we are in the same neighborhood/playgroup/wine club I won't let my kids draw on your kids with permanent marker if you won't let your kids make mine feel like dumbasses because they aren't bi-lingual. And I won't tease you about the fact that your roots are showing if you won't tease me about the fact that my butt is bigger than yours. Bless your heart.

As My Waist Gets Bigger, My Brain Gets Smaller

This morning Critter asked for Waff-Waffs (waffles) with peanut butter for breakfast. I got the peanut butter out of the pantry and a plate from the cabinet.

I then went over to the pantry and searched in vain for waffles. I pulled out peanut butter, pop tarts, chips, 15 pounds of hidden candy, canned goods, and a bottle of vinegar.

"Ugh!" I screeched after about 5 minutes of fruitless searching. "Where are the damn waff waffs?!?"

From behind me a little voice piped up "Damn waff waffs in refrigerator, Mama."

I Only Use My Broom For Flying

Does it make me a genius or a slacker that I've decided it's way better to dump Smudge's and Critter's left over nugget remains on the floor and let Siesta Bumpass lick them up instead of lugging out the broom and dust pan?

Things I've Learned This Week

1. Catahoula Hog Dogs (state dog of Louisiana, y'all) have a mad taste for dirty diapers, and can extract them from a locked Rubbermaid trash box on the porch like I just threw it out the flipping door.

2. When a Halloween party in the fancy pants neighborhood is "by invitation only" it won't make a crap bit of difference if you don't have your invitation because you locked your house key and your phone in the house. Even if your husband is playing bartender, you have 3 screaming kids under 2 years old on your hip, and you beg the minion of Satan at the door just to let you in so you can get the last remaining key from Hubsters and go home. Butt munches.

3. A 5 star welded-to-the-dang-door gate won't keep a 26 month old and a 13 month old in an 800 square foot playroom full of 30,000 bucks worth of toys if they know Mama is trying to pee in private in the bathroom down the hall.

4. 15 pounds of spit up on newborn clothes will immediately mold in the wash if you don't take them out before the buzzer stops alarming.

5. Trying to take 3 kids under 26 months trick or treating would drive anyone insane. Even if that anyone has 5 (!) other adults along to help.

6. There aren't enough wine boxes on the planet to make up for a night consisting of 7 minutes of sleep.

7. If someone could make up a Diet Coke IV, they'd be a fricking millionaire.