Get Your Finger Out of Your Nose and Pay Attention

My friend Christina is having another giveaway! Just head on over to her blog and see how you can save your children from "the biting snail up there"!

Mama's Most Wanted List

Critter Smith, born in September, seemed like the world's best baby. He started sleeping through the night when he was only a few weeks old and he rarely ever cried.



"He was the quietest baby," a neighbor recalls. "Never heard a peep from him."



His Abuela remembers that "He always woke with a smile. Just the sweetest personality ever."



No one knew that something sinister was lurking underneath that rosy cheeked exterior. However, strange occurances began around the time Critter reached the 4 month mark. At first, no one thought any thing of it. But, as coins continuously seemed to disappear from nightstands and scraps of paper seemed to magically fly from the floor, friends and family began to become suspicious.



His mother, ever the supporter of her Crittopotamus, refused to listen to the whispers. "You just misplace things!" she'd snap at Mr. Critter's Daddy when he mentioned the disappearances.



By 6 months, chapsticks and cell phones were missing from purses. Pens were gone from shirt pockets. The Bumpasses even began sniffing around for lost liver snaps. Still, Critter's Mama would hear no ill talk of her sweet baby boy. "Everyone around me's going crazy" she'd muse. "I don't know why they gang up on Critter so."



Last Thursday, Critter's Mama could deny the accusations no longer when she found this shoved deep in his Chipmunk Cheek.



Alas, Critter had graduated from Petty Larceny to Grand Theft Diamond.



He served the maximum allowable sentence of 2 hours in the (play) Pen while his Mama baby proofed the home.

Ya Got Any Weddin' Dresses With Nursin' Flaps?

My sister-in-law is getting married 3 weeks after Nudger's due date, and I am to be a bridesmaid. SIL, faced with the complex task of dressing 7 maids in various stages of reproduction, gave us the option of wearing the dress style of our choice in the color of hers. Bless her.

I went to a local bridal salon to check out different styles and to see if they carried my first style of choice so that I could try it on before I get too rotund. Since bridal salons are never open in the evening, when my sitters are home, I had to take Critter with me.

Upon entering the store, a haughty woman in a severe black dress swooped down on us. She gave my clean, stroller-contained, and SLEEPING baby the stink eye. "Can I help you?" she sniffed, glaring down at Critter like a plague carrying sewer rat.

Immediately ticked that she was treating my sweet, SLEEPING baby like a sticky, screaming terror, I decided on the spot to have a little fun to relieve my stress.

Discreetly I slipped off my wedding rings and responded to her inquiry with my most back-woods-redneck voice. "Yeah, I'm a-lookin' for a weddin' dress. Cheap one." I stuck my hand on my hip, poking my expanding belly over the stroller canopy. "I'm thinkin' I should look at the umpire dresses."

The woman paled, no doubt calculating her commission going down the tubes. "Um... Let me get a consultant..." She looked around her in an apparent attempt to find someone else to pawn me off on. Seeing that there was no one near by to save her she turned back to me in defeat. "Right this way." She gave me her sewer-rat look and stalked toward the back of the store. I followed, making carefully sure to whack the stroller wheel against the counter as I passed it.

Reaching the dressing rooms, I noisily plopped myself on one of the cushy waiting benches. I shoved out my tummy as far as it would go and patted it. "Now, I'm due with Cornbread here in November, and we're shootin' to have the weddin' in October, so I'm gonna need a stretchy dress. Hey, do you know how to keep your turkey-timer from poking thru the material?" Mrs. Horrified pretended not to hear me. "Please wait right here," she instructed. As she walked around the store pulling dresses she kept looking over her shoulder at me as though she expected me to be shoving things into the stroller basket or wiping my nose on the veils.

She returned a few minutes later with 200 pounds of tulle and satin over her arms. I raised my eyebrows at her and snapped my cheek in Ultra Redneck fashion. I patted my belly buddy again. "Do ya really think white is the best option? I mean, I don't think it'll fool anyone." Mrs. Open-Minded glared at me. "All of these dresses can be ordered in cream."

"I was really hopin' for red or green. Ya know, Christmassy and all that since it's late October and nearin' to the holidays." I tapped my foot impatiently. "And I need to hurry here. I gotta go meet my friend to borrow some nursin' bras." As Mrs. Helpful turned to put down the white meringue I could see her roll her eyes. "We don't have red wedding dresses." She huffed. "If you want a colored dress, I suggest you order a bridesmaid dress."

Tiring of my game, I decided to let her off the hook. "You got any of them with nursin' flaps?" At her inevitably witchy response of "no" I stood up and started toward the door. Unable to resist one last jibe I called to her over my shoulder. "Ya know, you should really get a play space in here. Like a ball pit or a train table. Somethin' for the young uns to do while their mama's shop."

***********

Now, I understand that there are some places where one should not bring their children. Bars, adult movie stores, antique china shops...I get that some places are simply not child appropriate. And I see that wedding dress stores, filled with expensive white fabric, could definitely be on the No Rugrats list. I don't take Critter to movies with anything other than a G rating, restaurants that don't have crayons at the hostess stand or ball pits in the sound proof room, wedding ceremonies (even if he's invited) or book club, just to name a few.

But he was ASLEEP. In a stroller. He's not old enough to eat jelly sandwiches, so his hands aren't sticky; he's not old enough to walk, so he can't play hide-and-seek in the dress racks; and he's not old enough to talk, so he's not screaming "Mama, Mama, listen to me sing Barney for the 2 billionth time!"

Was the Wedding Witch justified in treating me poorly because I had an infant with me or was I justified in being a pain in her rear for it?

Calling All Preggies Who Think Butt Flashing is Only for the College Demographic

My friend Christina is having a fabulous giveaway! One lucky winner will receive a BINSI product of their choice. Good luck and happy delivery!

The HazMat Team's Coming to Take Me Away

Hello Mamahood, Good Bye "Me" Time





David has been out of town this week, leaving me with one sick, cranky Critter to deal with alone. Normally, when faced with an absent husband, I turn to my mom for support and dinner. But she's out of town, too. Which means I haven't showered since Monday. Today is Friday. It also means that I haven't eaten anything but french fries and Pop Tarts in as many days.



Madre called me yesterday from her educators conference to tell me that the human brain starts to have reduced function when one is hungry, tired, and/or lonely. Which would explain why, this morning, when I got dressed, it took me 5 minutes to realize that the problem with my thong underwear was that I'd put it on backwards.

Well, I Guess We're Not Going To Have To Send

This One to College

I assumed after the coin eating incident Husband had learned his lesson about leaving Critter unattended in our bed. David assumed that if he swaddled Critter tight enough, Critter wouldn't be mobile. A loud THUNK! followed by an even louder wail taught us both what happens when one assumes.

We raced into our bedroom to discover Critter on the floor screaming his dented head off. I scooped my Precious off the hardwood and turned on Husband in fury.

"What if he's cracked his skull?!? What if his brain is bleeding?!? What if he has brain damage and doesn't get accepted into the NASA program and never makes millions of dollars and can't buy me a beach house?!?"

David looked at me with an expression of equal guilt and fear. Suddenly his expression brightened. "Well, at least he's learned a lesson in gravity!" he chirped.

Men.

The Exorcism of A Teething Critter

I swear, if there isn't a tooth visible by tonight I'm calling an exorcism performing priest. There are only 2 possible causes of bad behavior like this, and they are teeth and demons.

Or maybe Critter is just a demon with teeth...